His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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