drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being pregnant is like rehab
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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