I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Randomize
