I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
