I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
