I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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