He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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