I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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