i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
