Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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