i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
