Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
