Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
