The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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