new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
