I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
