Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
