At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
