I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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