those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
