Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
