UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
