Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
