I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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