If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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