I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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