my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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