I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
