we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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