please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
