I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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