Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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