ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
