I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
