none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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