pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
