Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
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Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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