remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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