gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
