my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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