I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
