Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
