So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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