you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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