i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
