everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
