omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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