You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
