Your face is a jimmy john
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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