Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
