Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
