WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
