I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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